I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
