My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
