I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
