If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
