hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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