Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
