rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
