I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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