Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
