He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
