So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
