im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
