The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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