it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
