I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
