im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
