Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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