The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
