you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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