see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
