I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
