I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Randomize
