I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
