I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
