im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
