I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
