Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
