He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
