I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
