So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
It's shark week go big or go home
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
