the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i think i scared a bird with my dick
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
