I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
