not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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