I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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