why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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