i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
