I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
