dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
