The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
