this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
