Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
