Sry I called you an 8
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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