i need an iv and a liver transplant
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
