So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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