my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
