it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
