ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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