So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
