He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I enjoy the company of your penis
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
