he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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